Triumph
I wanted to do a Part 2 to the last series because one necessary element in moving through anxiety and depression is HOPE. The emotion captured in this whole project was real. Amanda is a long time, dear friend and when I learned of what she had been dealing with I felt helpless. I knew I had dealt with anxiety but her experience was on a whole new level. So, I approached her with this project and she agreed to do it without hesitation. She saw it as an opportunity to get the word out and spread awareness. Anxiety and depression is not beautiful. It drains your life force and the photos reflect that. They are not bright vibrant photos that radiate positivity and beauty. Quite the opposite. The coloring is dull, the scene is dark, and they are the furthest from flattering in a traditional beauty sense. But here’s the thing about Amanda; she is a fighter. She shows up every day ready to bring it. She can still brighten a room with her laugh. This is where part 2 comes in. To show what survival is like; that you can be at your darkest and still crawl out and make it in this crazy world. Will she still have hard days? Of course, everyone dealing with mental illness likely will. The point is her HOPE and her FIGHT. Despite how low your lows can get, there is always a way out. I hope that you can find inspiration in Amanda’s story as told in her own words:
“You'd corner me in your conformity but even in dormancy i'm sleeping with enormity, stretching the belly of the earth & everything i was born to be.”
-Curtis Tyrone Jones
“Life calls the tune, we dance.”
-John Galsworthy
You are not a victim of your history but a master of your destiny
Where ever you are, whoever you are, whatever you do, just be you. Its better to own up to our true selves, as ridiculous as that person may be, than walk around as lesser versions of what we could be, because you think someone may find fault in your perfection.
“With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.”
– Dr. Wayne W Dyer
Anxiety and Depression
Over a quarter of the US adult population has, has had, or will have an anxiety disorder, depression, or a combination of both over the course of their lifetime. More and more people are opening up about their struggles and the fact that we are talking about it is a beautiful thing.
I wanted to create photographs that show what someone suffering from anxiety and depression might REALLY look like if they wore this condition on their sleeve. So many people are walking around hiding what they are really feeling inside. Let's stop hiding and connect with one another and offer our ears to listen, our shoulders to cry on, and our hands to help.
The intricacies of our experiences vary, but there is a common thread that connects those who are suffering. Thank you for letting me share these photos with you.
I pulled the pin and here I kneel, the cackling thunder of my mind about to spill...
Brought to my knees, I am out of pleas, my will is a fragment of a forgotten part of me
I am here, I am there, I am everywhere but the me that I am is lost in the world that still thinks she can.
The weight of the world has won today, maybe tomorrow ill find another way.
I scratch and a claw, I am every flaw, I am every Sin, my light is getting dim. I need to get out, I scream and I shout, I cry and I shake, I die, then I wake. I get up, I get down, I go left, I right, a new day, a new night, for that I must fight.
Today I might win, If I can lift up my chin, Take a deep breath and Pick up my chest. All that I know and all that I have, is this me that I am...I am doing the best I can.
MODEL: Amanda Dubik
MUA: Kristen Josephine: Instagram: @kristenjosephine
My own struggle with anxiety started in 2005. I was a Freshman in College heading for the bathroom after leaving my World Civilization class. On my way, I started feeling a little strange, but carried on as usual. While washing my hands, I started to feel a little pressure in my chest and my arms and hands began to tingle. I shook it off and proceeded en route to my calculus class, which was a couple floors up in the building. As I was walking, my legs became jello. Once I hit the stairs, I knew I was in trouble. I felt like I was climbing a mountain. I was breathing so hard you would have thought I was in a full-out sprint. I made it to the top and through the door and immediately collapsed onto the bench right outside the door. There was a girl already sitting there and everything inside of me was screaming "GET HER TO CALL 911!!!!!!" I put my face in my hands and tried to breath normal but I felt like the whole world was crashing into me. The room was spinning and I couldn't get a grip. "Just tell the girl next to you to call for help, damn it!"... But I am a hardcore stubborn German and THAT voice was saying, "Silly girl, What are they going to find wrong with you? You are just setting yourself up for embarrassment." .... "WAIT!, thats it! Maybe this is one of those panic attacks you have heard about...yes that's it, you are having a panic attack. Its all good, calm down." As soon as I started telling myself that the world stopped spinning and I felt like I was coming to my senses. I calmed down and got up and went to my calculus class. But I still didn't feel right...
After that, I could not drive anywhere by myself, and if I did I had to pull over to calm myself down. The feeling of having a ticking time bomb inside of me would not go away. I just couldn't understand it. Why was everyone around me so calm? What was happening to me?
This lasted for months until I tried a flooding technique; do something terrifying and maybe the anxiety will go away. For me, that was a trip to New York City. The busy hustle and bustle and zipping and buzzing and zooming and swirling of the city is enough to make any suburb girl a little on edge, let alone one with a panic problem. Thankfully this actually worked! For almost ten years! Until December 24th, 2014...when it all came back with a vengeance.
I was driving to a Christmas Eve party with my husband on a dark, back country road, when that all too familiar tingling started in my hands. I knew what was coming and immediately yelled out "I AM HAVING A PANIC ATTACK." I don't remember much about really what happened but I know I made it to the party; but I, once again, was left with that good ol' ticking time bomb feeling in my chest. I immediately set out to try the flooding techniques again, but nothing has completely worked. This has become the roller coaster of my life. I have good days and bad days, but every day I learn something new that will help me gain a little better control over my internal environment.
This blog is more than a creative outlet. It is a space where I can share little bits about my life and the lessons I have learned from the struggles I have faced. It is also a place I can teach about what I have learned from my career as a health care provider, and help others embark on a journey toward better health.
Since this all started, I crave a feeling of calm. And if I can find a moment of peace, it is the sweetest most decadent moment in time that I try to hold on to forever and savor its every flavor. I appreciate the in between moments so much more. I have been able to understand others on a deeper level. Everything I have gone through in life has been a profound blessing. I am so grateful to have been given opportunities to learn strength, growth, and perseverance. I have a long way to go in life, but its nice to look back and see that maybe you've made it somewhere.
Thank you for reading and may you find a second today or a moment tomorrow of peace and calm.
Signing off,
Lisa Lorraine Hester